Posted by: jlhc | January 5, 2008

Don’t Forget when You are in China!

A man went on a business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.

Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, ‘What would happened if this does not work?

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads:

‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILT’

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, ‘Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.

Posted by: jlhc | January 3, 2008

Malaysian health minister quits over sex video

PUTRAJAYA, Malaysia (Reuters) – Malaysia’s health minister resigned on Wednesday, a day after he shocked the nation by admitting he was the man in a widely circulated sex video.

Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said he had accepted the resignation of Health Minister Chua Soi Lek, who apologized after two lengthy DVDs hit the streets showing him engaging in sexual acts with an unidentified woman.

The scandal is the latest in a series of problems plaguing Abdullah’s government, which has been widely expected to call a snap election in the coming weeks.

“After I made my confession, I had hoped Malaysians would be able to accept my apology,” he said. “Unfortunately, from the feedback I received, I observed that Malaysians cannot accept it.”

“Some Malaysians have a holier-than-thou attitude,” Chua, a doctor by training, told a packed news conference at his office. “At the end of the day, it just tells you that honesty sometimes does not pay.”

Chua, who said the woman was a “personal friend”, had insisted on Tuesday he would not resign over the issue, drawing a sharp rebuke from people within and outside government.

The New Straits Times, controlled by Abdullah’s ruling party, said in a commentary Chua should quit to save the government from further anguish.

Abdullah, a devout Muslim, won a record mandate in 2004 polls on a pledge to clean up the government and fight corruption.

“For a top politician you can’t continue in power when you are seen naked,” said political analyst Ooi Kee Beng.

ABDULLAH’S HEADACHES

The prime minister said he had been shocked by the news but stressed that the episode was unlikely to undermine his coalition’s election preparations.

“He (Chua) has taken responsibility over what had happened. I feel it was an appropriate decision taken by him,” he said, adding that Chua’s position would be filled later.

Chua, a father of three, said he did not make the DVDs. Newspapers said they were closed-circuit recordings made two years ago in a hotel room. One DVD lasted 56 minutes and the other 44 minutes.

Police were probing the case, trying to establish who made the recordings and how four cameras came to be in the room of a hotel in the southern state of Johor, the New Straits Times said.

Abdullah’s four-year-old administration has been beset with major problems lately, a sign he may be forced to delay elections beyond March, when many had expected them to take place.

In late November, more than 10,000 ethnic Indians took to the streets in an unprecedented protest over racial discrimination.

More info HERE.
Posted by: jlhc | December 24, 2007

The Exotic Frog

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign says:

“SEX FROGS”
“Only $20 each!”
“Comes with ‘complete’ instructions.”

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll TAKE one!”

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, “Just follow the instructions!”
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions … please call the pet store.”

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, “I’ll be right over.”

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!”

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares ‘directly into its eyes’ and STERNLY says:

“LISTEN TO ME!! I’m only going to show you how to do this ONE … MORE … TIME!!!”

Posted by: jlhc | December 24, 2007

Impact of Job Change – Joke

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to
ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost
control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the
footpath, and stopped few centimeters from a shop
window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and
then the driver said: “Look mate, don’t ever do that
again. You scared the daylights out of me!”.

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize
that a little tap would scare you so much.” The
driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been
driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25
years…

Posted by: jlhc | December 24, 2007

Gorgeous Model. Can you believe SHE was a HE?

This gorgeous model from China was a HE. Can you believe it?? Check out the pics below. ;)














So what do you think?? :)

Posted by: jlhc | December 24, 2007

Joke on Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect
to bring this to his Wife’s’ attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in…. P… E… N…I…S…

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**

Posted by: jlhc | December 24, 2007

Red Head

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

Posted by: jlhc | December 15, 2007

Malaysian Judiciary Scandal – FULL VERSION!

This is the full version (14 minute) of the Malaysian Judiciary Scandal.
Transcript is available below.


Full Transcript:

(Parts are slightly inaudible. This transcript may not be entirely accurate.)

Lingam: The CJ (Chief Justice – judiciary’s No 1 post) said his relative is now the Agong, so he wants to stay on to 68, so, Tengku Adnan said – I told Tengku Adnan, yesterday I had a meeting with him – he said PM is already very angry with him … and … he said no problem, he is going to make you acting err… confirm your position as PCA (President of Court of Appeal – judiciary’s No 2), working very hard, and then get Tan Sri Mokhtar as CJM (Chief Judge of Malaya – judiciary’s No 3).

Ah, so we just keep it confidential. I am working very hard on it. Then there is a letter, according to Tengku – I am going to see him tomorrow – there is a letter sent to … ah … CJ – I mean Tan Sri Dzaiddin – that Datuk Heliliah, …er Datuk Ramli and Datuk Maarop be made judges, and he rejected that Dr Andrew Chew and apa itu Zainudin Ismail lah because Zainuddin Ismail who condemned your appointment and Tan Sri Mohtar’s appointment.

And then you also, it seems, wrote a letter for the remaining … confirmed as judges. As per our memo, I discussed with Tun Eusoff Chin and we sent the same memo to PM. I just want to get a copy letter that this has been done.

And then Tan Sri Dzaiddin said he is going to recommend six people for the Court of Appeal, but until today the letter hasn’t come to PM. He never discussed, but neither he has sent the letter to PM. He has not sent. So, I know it is under the constitution, for judges all, that is your job, Datuk, to send, but we don’t want to make it an issue now.

Ah, okay. Actually I told Tengku Adnan to inform PM, PM to call you for a meeting. But I will organise this so that Tengku Adnan will call you directly. And then I got your number, I will tell him to call you directly to for you to meet PM lah. Ah… So should be okay, then ar… correct, correct, it is very important that the key players must be there.

Correct, correct, correct. Correct, correct. You know that the same problem that Tun Eusoff Chin had. He tried to do all this and yet he has run out of soldiers. He couldn’t do it because many were from the other camp. Last time was unfortunate because Tun Daim was doing everything sabotaging, you know lah…

Otherwise how are things with you – everything is okay? No, don’t worry. You know sometimes Tan Sri Vincent said that half the time we are talking about judiciary rather than doing the work. But if I don’t do this part, my work will be useless. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ah, yes. Correct, correct, correct, correct, correct. Right, right, right. Correct. Ah. Ah. Right! Susah. You see he has now asked for six Court of Appeal judges, so that he can put his men before he retires.

Correct, correct, correct, ah, and then, ah, ah, correct, correct, correct, correct, correct.

Ah, never mind, I will do this, I will get er… Tengku Adnan to arrange for PM to call you and Tan Sri Vincent Tan for PM to call. You know why, actually, I am very grateful to Tan Sri Vincent Tan, You know why? I brainwashed him so much I even quarreled with him.

One day I went to Vincent Tan’s house, I fired him at night in his house. I said bloody hell, if you don’t do this who will do it? All these people, Tun Eusoff Chin, Datuk Ahmad Fairuz, Tan Sri Zainal all fought for …that. Then he called Tengku Adnan. Tengku Adnan he said, saya bukan Perdana Menteri Malaysia lah, you know. If the old man doesn’t want to listen to me, go to hell.

He quarreled with me. I said never mind, never mind, Tan Sri, you talk to PM again tomorrow morning to put Datuk Ahmad Fairuz to CJM. So next day morning he went and he called me back 9.30 that he said PM has already agreed. So I said never mind, we hope for the best. So I said no harm trying, the worst that it can happen is you lose.

Being the old man, he is 76 years old, he gets whispers everywhere, and then you don’t whisper, he get taken away by the other side. But, now the PM is very alert because every time he gets letters from Tan Sri Dzaiddin, he calls Tengku Adnan, he says discuss with Vincent, come and discuss. And…

Yes, yes, ya. Correct, correct. Ya, but you see although I know PM, but my views … I am a lawyer in practice… my views are… I go through them, I go through them lah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

And then Dzaiddin will go and tell them you went and saw PM and make a big issue out of it. Oh ya, I think so, I think so.

Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Right, okay, okay. Ah. Ah. Correct, correct.

Now I heard Raja Aziz, Raja Aziz ah, two weeks ago spoke to my lawyer Thayalan, and another lawyer Anad, in the High Court – they have a case with each other. So, Thayalan and Anad asked Raja Aziz, how is Tan Sri Wan Adnan?

He said he is on his way down. But you know what is the shocking thing he said? Datuk Fairuz became CJM. He overruled everybody, in three months time, he is going to be PCA, and six months time, he is going to be CJ. He said I can’t take this shock. He told lah. Ha!

It seems ah that they are going to organise a campaign … they are going to organise a campaign to run you down. But you just keep quiet – don’t say anything. Don’t … even the press ask, you said I leave it to God, that’s all. Don’t say. I really like your message. You said I work very hard, what can I do? I leave it to God. That’s the best answer, Datuk, that you can ever give. Ah.

Yes… I will also get Tan Sri to remind PM to put a Tan Sri ship this year lah. You know, this will elevate you, you know.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Ah. Steve Shim got so fast, Tan Sri Chong waited for a whole year to get Tan Sriship.

Ah. My God, that’s why, ah. Correct, correct, correct, correct, ya, ya, ya, ya, right, right, right, correct, correct.

Don’t worry, we organise this. And if Tan Sri Vincent and Tengku Adnan want to meet you privately, they will, I will call you. We organise a private arrangement, in a very neutral place.

No, don’t worry, Datuk, I know how much you suffered for Tun Eusoff Chin. And Tun said Datuk Ahmad Fairuz 110 percent loyalty. We want to make sure our friends are there for the sake of PM and for the sake of the country. Not for our own interest, not for our own interest. We want to make sure the country comes out well.

Well, you suffered so much, so much you have done – for the election petition, Wee Choo Keong, everything. How much, nobody would have done all these.

Yes, you know. Ah. Good lah. You don’t worry. I am constantly working on this. I…

Ya, ya, don’t worry, don’t worry. We work hard on this er Datuk. And if Tan Sri Vincent and Tengku want to see you, I will organise it in a confidential place.

Okay, Datuk, all the very best. God bless you and your family.

Okay. Thank you, thank you. Bye-bye, bye-bye.

[Off Camera Voice]: Who is that Dato?

Lingam: Chief Justice Malaya.

[Off Camera Voice]: Who is that?

Lingam: Dato Ahmad Fairuz

[Off camera voice]: Oh Ahmad Fairuz.

Lingam: I put him up there. Don’t tell this, please. I cannot tell this to Manjit. And he is acting President Court of Appeals Number 2 post. He is next Chief Justice. He always says “I leave it to you.”

[Off Camera Voice]: I thought you were very close to Tun Eusoff Chin, Datuk?

Lingam: He is Eusoff Chin’s man, Eusoff Chin retired. But Dzaiddin hates Eusoff Chin, you understand? Ah..

[Off Camera Voice]: Because you know I…I…I..as far as I know you are very…

Lingam: Eusoff Chin and I are extremely close. Because you know…Yeah. Eusoff Chin in power, I can straight and get in Pom! Pom! Pom! Pom! But now Dzaiddin is there. So Dzaiddin is attacking our cases. That means what? James Kumar is aligned to Dzaiddin. But Dzaiddin is retiring in 15th of September. He is finished.

[Off camera voice]: Next year?

Lingam: So Dzaiddin really wants to go…Don’t worry. Dzaiddin recommended Malik Ahmad to be Chief Judge of Malaya. But we went and “cut” “cut” cut” cut” I and Tengku Adnan and Vincent told PM. I stop him for now, because he is anti-PM. We put Fairuz in. And we put…I told you three months ago he became CJM [Chief Justice Malaya]. He said “Don’t believe.” Then he got it. He rang up to thank me. And all that. He now acting PCA because Wan Adnan is sick. Right? This. Apart from law knowledge you need kow tow. Please understand that. You need to know the emperor. Knowing the law doesn’t give you

the winning formula, you must also kow tow to the emperor. Correct or not? So now I am working very hard. So he agreed to meet Vincent Tan and PM and…what you call Tengku Adnan.

[Off camera voice]: Do you think Vincent has an interest over PM?

Lingam: You don’t know about the history. Businesswise may not be successful. Robert Kuok is very brilliant. Lim Goh Tong is very rich. Vincent Tan, you know what PM say? He went to Averton he went to Langkawi. He said bincang. I want you to build a hotel here. His wife pulled him away. [Inaudible] He said Dato Seri I will think about it. The wife pulled him away. There is another [inaudible] cannot get a bank loan. Vincent there. Vincent, can you build a hotel? Ready for next Air show?

I want you do it in 6 months. `Datuk Seri, Don’t worry, I will get it done.’ He paid double the price to get all of them. A big loss lah. Then Solomon Island and Fiji and all, he said, Vincent go and invest there, he went and bought…[inaudible] the government factory [inaudible] you do this project a bit and cover up your loss. PM will do what he want to do to cover your backside.

[Off camera voice]: Vincent is very close to him.

Lingam: That’s right. Don’t ask… because Vincent has taken me to PM’s residence… the house … [inaudible]… Anwar’s case… the lawyers…Wee Cheong … [inaudible]. But I cannot go and talk to PM just like that and say promote this and that…

Because ah, he knows… I am a… but when PM calls me on Anwar’s case, I can tell him… he’ll listen…But if I go promote so and so, that means I got interest. So, I don’t do that. I use Vincent and Tengku, go and do that. I don’t f*** them up. They go

and do that. But I tell you this lah. Don’t tell in front of people, of course. Life, one thing go confidential wrong is dangerous. Ah. Never, never say…You should… never. Even though to PM. You should never say. I don’t know. I always say “I don’t know.” That’s all.

[Off camera voice]: Everybody… I think many people know. Even the son case, everything I talk the father, …. Talk until he agreed.

Lingam: You know me [inaudible]. But I never talk about it. Even the son’s case, I do everything. I talk to the father…Talk until he agreed. But if it is a big crisis that affects him, ….I can talk, he will listen. But if I want to favour somebody, that I cannot guarantee. Because my interest is not his interest. You know what I mean. Tomorrow invest your interest involving your father, I can come say this this this, you will listen. But tomorrow I appeal for me, you are not obliged to listen. Because you are a politician, PM. Politician is what is your interest, not what is my interest. But if I am giving advise on your interest, you will listen. On my interest, you will not. You must be careful about this.

[Off camera voice]: Datuk, I need to ask you this question.

Lingam: Ask me. Ask me.

[Off camera voice]: For a while now…

Lingam: Because we can talk behind these people.

[Off camera voice]… Actually, I think, you know, Daim has more equity interest in Berjaya than Vincent Tan, isn’t that true?

Lingam: Let me tell you something … [inaudible] was bought by Daim … [inaudible]. Later on he did some deals where Daim supposed to help him. One or two he helped. Supposed to give him some money. Didn’t give. Part was paid, part not paid. Later on Daim called up and he got paid.

Posted by: jlhc | December 6, 2007

How To Poison Your Mother-In-Law

A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married and went to
live with her husband and mother-in-law.

In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn’t get along at all
with her mother-in-law.

Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many
of her mother-in-law’s habits. In addition, the mother-in-law criticized
Li-Li constantly.

Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped
arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that,
according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her
mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappinessin
the house was causing Li-Li’s poor husband great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law’s bad temper and
dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.

Li-Li went to see her father’s good friend, Mr Huang, who sold herbs.
She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so
that she could solve the problem once and for all.

Mr Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, “Li-Li, I will help you
solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you.”

Li-Li said, “Yes, Mr Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do”.

Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a
package of herbs.

He told Li-Li, “You can’t use a quick-acting poison to get rid of
yourmother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious.
Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up
poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put
a little of these herbs in her serving.
Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you
must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don’t argue with
her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen”.

Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr Huang and hurried home to start her
plot of murdering her mother-in-law.

Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the
specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr
Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper,
obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.

After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had
practised controlling her temper so much that she found that she al!
most never got mad or upset. She hadn’t had an argument with her
mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and
easier to get along with.

The mother-in-law’ s attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to
love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives
that Li-Li was the best daughter-in- law one could ever find.

Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real
mother and daughter.

Li-Li’s husband was very happy to see what was happening.

One day, Li-Li came to see Mr Huang and asked for his help again. She
said, “Dear Mr Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my
mother-in-law!
She’s changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother.
I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her”.

Mr Huang smiled and nodded his head. “Li-Li, there’s nothing to worry
about. I never gave you any poison.
The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only
poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been
all washed away by the love which you gave to her”.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY..
How you treat other people is exactly how they will treat you.

There is a wise Chinese saying:
“The person who loves others will also be loved in return. God might be
trying to work in another person’s life through you.”

Posted by: jlhc | December 4, 2007

How Men & Women Differ

NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on
sale

BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
* The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
* Women love cats.
* Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
* Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

* What a woman says: C’mon..This place is a mess. You and I need to
clean.Your trousers are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we
don’t do the laundry now.
* What a man hears: C’MON … blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah,
blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah,
blah, blah, NOW

What do you think? Leave a comment here and we’ll see who thinks best. ;)

Older Posts »

Categories

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.